THE SAGA OF HOSS AND JEFF by Louis Landry & Shaun Dickerson

 ***PART ONE***

Hoss and Jeff (that's what they used to call Freff) were hanging out while Hoss scratched his ear with his pinky. After they finished hanging out Hoss lit up a cigarette. Jeff was disgusted. "Ewww! Now you've got earwax on your cigarette!"

Hoss responded by calmly sticking his cigarette in Jeff's ear. "Ha! Now you have cigarette ashes in your ear!! So there!!"

Jeff screamed, "I can't live here anymore!!! I HATE THIS PLACE!!!!"



Hoss never found the answers he was looking for. He eventually went crazy and started building little piles everywhere he went. "Because," he would say, "that's what we do, isn't it? Yes, make little piles!! Ha!"

Jeff later changed his named to Freff, and a day later, his mind broke into a million pieces.

***PART TWO***

Two days later Hoss picked up those pieces, but he didn't really know what they were. Hoss put them into a little plastic baggie and tossed them into his cargo pants pocket.



Freff felt alone living in a cargo pocket, yet somehow he was at home. Luckily, he had brought his Twiddlethum. Twiddlethumb is a game that Jeff (Freff) loved. He could play Twiddlethumb everyday, although his parents never let him.

Twiddlethumb is a basic game involving your thumbs. You twirl them endlessly while you ponder other meaningful events in your life. You don't want to Twidlethumb too much, however; pondering life doesn't really take you that far. Which is where Freff went wrong in the first place. He would dream if a life as a painter. Not one that just painted walls, but one that would paint walls with meaning. Meaning that would mean more than anyone could possibly know what it's meaning was. Meaningful meaning, that's what Jeff would paint. If he painted at all, that is.

But he didn't paint. He lived in a pocket. That's why he plays Twiddlethumb.


PART FOUR: The saga Begins

Once upon a time Freff and Ed (that's what they used to call Hoss) were just little babies, like me and you. They were mean babies though. They would yell cuss words at their moms, then laugh about it. They would soil their diapers on purpose. They once hatched a plan to crack open their milk bottles and use the jagged edge to cut people.

The premise was simple. The threat of cutting = financial reward. SO they walked down the street corner with their milk bottles held threateningly, waiting for the victim who would feel the wrath of the sharp, cold glass.

Alas, the plan was dashed when Freff and Hoss got thirsty and drank the milk. Then they fell asleep in a pumpkin patch and woke up the next day on the inside of a giant leaf. A kind old grizzly bear found them and sent them on their way. And I was that grizzly bear.

***PART FOUR EPILOGUE (separate from the overall epilogue):

Eventually I grew up to be a very old bear with a huge vocabulary. People don't really think of bears as being very smart, and ultimately that was our biggest advantage in the Great Grizzly Uprising of '96. It was my catchphrase, "GRRRRRRRAAAWWWWWW!" that inspired a nation to victory. In my later years I became a celebrated literary professor and wrote several books. The most popular was "The Modern Bears' Guide to City Life." In all these years I have thought tenderly of Freff and whoever that other baby was, and all I really know is that those were two of the meanist babies I have ever seen. Go Grizzlies!

I also wrote the lyrics to the Grizzly national Anthem:

Grizzlys are great and we rule the world
The humans used run it but we took control

Now if the other species don't bring us some food
We're just gonna start eating them too Graw Graw Graw!



Twiddlethumb madness swept British waterways last January. British Naval Engineer Clive Stiggy said, "'hoo, me? Well, I took it up right after New years, I did, me dear ole mum showed it to me, and I ain't been the same ever since. Changed me life for the better, it did. Used to be I didn't have nowhere to put me thumbs, why, sometimes I'd just be holdin' 'em out at unnatural angles from the rest o' me body, and where d'y'think that got me in life? Nowhere, that's where. Since i joined the great British Twiddlin' of naught-8, well, it's all been on the up-and-up."

Pathetic! Twiddlethumb is nothing but mindless twirling and inanimate pondering. Introduce that combination is society and what do you get eventually? INANIMATE TWIRLING and MINDLESS PONDERING. Our artists need better inspiration than this constant twiddling. How else are they to paint pictures that will inspire the scientific breakthroughs that we need to survive in the third millennium of the common era? With all this mindlessness we are never going to invent things like electric toothbrushes for bears.

British people must hate freedom. Why else would they want grizzly bears to develop plaque, gingivitis and cavities? I wish all these freedom-hating, British, inanimate, Twiddlethumbing scientific-breakthrough-preventing jerks would just go back to whatever country Britain is in. Away with you, Stiggy! Your strong stance against dental hygiene has been duly noted.


Stiggy had a nightmare, then cried himself awake. No bear could crush him.

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